You sent soldiers into my territory, invading my kitchen and making me scream “holy shit!” many times. I, in turn, have responded by killing many of your agents. I do not know if they were your brightest men, but they were certainly some of your biggest and most legged.

This conflict does not need to progress any further. We have both suffered losses – you, of soldiers; me, of dignity – and thus, I would like to propose the following treaty. While I want nothing more than to see an immediate and full withdrawal of all centipedes from my kitchen, I would like to be clear that this treaty is NOT that – it is a compromise. However, if you can think of something I could offer you in order to leave my kitchen permanently – perhaps showing you the entrance to the neighbor's kitchen? – I would do so, gladly.

That said, I am proposing the following based on your current actions:

1. All centipedes only come out at night. It's bad enough that I need to check all corners of the kitchen in the evening, I don't want to feel like I need to watch out in the daytime as well.
2. All centipedes stay on the wall on the far side from the oven. You do not startle me suddenly there. Also, a couple of you have been on the floor. This is unacceptable and kind of icky.
3. I reserve the right to kill any centipede solider I come across. It is, after all, my kitchen, and even if your centipede court would convict me, I am too large to fit inside your courthouse.
4. No centipede is to sneak up behind me. Related: if any centipede gets on my person, I will freak.
5. If I ever find a live centipede on my designated centipede-slapping magazine, I will consider it an immediate call to war, and I will bug bomb the shit out of you.

Signed:

New Yorkers and fans of travel! Meg & Rob will be performing in New York City this Friday, May 29, at 8 p.m. at Under St. Mark's Theatre (94 St. Mark's Place). Our performance is part of Philly Improv Theater's Philly Invades NYC event, and tickets are available here (the theatre is small, so we do recommending purchasing ahead of time). Also performing at 8 p.m. are The Feeko Brothers, who are fabulous and have a brightly colored website.

Now then, here is a video from our Philadelphia Fringe show last year that we neglected to post online until now:

With all of the shows and work I've had for the past few weeks, I've had to gloss over something quite exciting: I met Joan Rivers. Now, while I don't agree with many of the woman's decisions (the plastic surgery, for one), I have so much respect for Joan. She was the first solo guest host on The Tonight Show, she's done so much for women in comedy, and at 75(!), she's still working hard and is as funny and ballsy as ever. I didn't watch the Celebrity Apprentice, but from what I hear, she won, and she deserves it. If I accomplish an eighth of what that woman has done in her lifetime, I'll consider myself a success.

I saw Joan at a lecture she gave here in Philadelphia about overcoming tragedy. She discussed some of the most difficult points in her life—like when her finances went bust, and when her husband killed himself and the police announced it to Melissa (just 16 at the time) over the phone—and how she pulled herself back up. Joan struck a beautiful balance between being touching, inspiring, and downright hilarious. It was so much better than just seeing her do stand-up, because every funny joke was backed by the depth of understanding how much Joan has fought and worked for in her life. And oh, Joan was funny. Here's one of my favorite jokes, on why she doesn't like dating younger men (paraphrased): "I wake up in bed, and I don't know if I've had sex or given birth!"

Anyway, after the show I had to the good fortune to meet Joan, and the even better fortune to be introduced to her as a comedian. The woman was so incredibly sweet, and as a normally nervous person, I was shocked by how comfortable I felt around her. The first thing she did was lean in to me and Rob and say, "That audience was dead, huh?" Joan then proceeded to ask me questions about what I do, and she was legitimately excited when I told her that my sketch group was putting up a new show the following weekend. While we were talking, she made me feel like I was the most important person in the room, despite the crowd of folks waiting to talk to her. And when we said goodbye, she touched me on the arm like a friend, despite the fact that we had just met.

Anyway, enough cheesy sentimentality on my part. Here's a clip of Joan with Johnny Carson from the mid-sixties:

Hey! "We Stole This Baby" opens in a week! And it closes in a week and one day! By which I mean: we're only going to have two performances of the show, so you should buy tickets ahead of time on Philly Improv Theater's website.

Here's a video Rob and I recently did with Jaime Fountaine and Don Montrey. Don is also our director, and I'm consistently amazed that Rob and I get to work with someone so talented.

And you better believe that we're going to be performing almost entirely new stuff. Seriously, concentrate hard on believing it. Because if we all use the power of our beliefs, what we wish for will come true. Except for humans having wings. That won't happen, and you don't want to deal with those damn hollow bones anyway.

SHOWS

1. Monday, 4/20 – Chip Chantry's One-Man Show (with Special Guests)! 8:30 p.m. at the Khyber, 56 S. 2nd Street, Philadelphia. $5.
2. Wednesday, 4/22 – Bedtime Stories! 8 p.m. at Connie's Ric Rac, 1132 S. 9th Street, Philadelphia. $10; BYOB.

We Stole This Baby
A brand-new Meg & Rob sketch comedy show
8 p.m. on May 8 and 9 at the Shubin Theatre, 407 Bainbridge Street, Philadelphia
Tickets available soon on the Philly Improv Theater website

I have long suspected that there are certain foods that no one actually knows the health value of. By which I mean: I have a hard time determining the health value of these foods, and I will assume everyone else does as well to make myself feel better. For example: quick breads. I feel like every time I look up a quick bread recipe on the internet, some mom in Toledo has left a comment to the effect of, "OMGZ! My kids love this bread! It haz a banana! So healthy!" when it's also made with white flour, white sugar, and vegetable oil.

Yesterday, however, I made a very quick bread that doesn't have any of those three things and also doesn't taste like someone covered a rock in whole-wheat flour, so I think that means it's "healthy." Er, I'm sorry. "DIS BREAD HAZ THREE BANANAS!" and either way, it's tasty.

Whole Wheat Banana Blueberry Bread (adapted from this recipe I found in a Google search from a "mother of 4, personal fitness consultant and volunteer")

1 1/4 c. whole wheat pastry flour
2 eggs
1/2 c. whole wheat flour
3 med. ripe bananas (mashed)
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1/4 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 c. agave syrup
1 c. fresh/frozen blueberries
1/3 c. blueberry yogurt
Vegetable cooking spray

1. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees F. Spray a bread loaf pan with cooking spray.
2. Combine the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl.
3. In a second bowl or in a well in the middle of the dry ingredients, whisk together the agave, eggs, yogurt, and vanilla. Add the mashed banana and whisk until combined.
4. Mix dry and wet ingredients.
5. Fold in blueberries.
6. Pour into loaf pan. Bake for 45-60 minutes, or until a knife inserted in the middle comes out clean.
7. EATING PARTY.

• That the large flat thing I uncovered would turn out to be a box filled with money from a 20-year-old robbery
• Having a snack
• That the flat thing was a rock covering a human skull. When I found the skull, I would have to call the police. The police would ask me for my ID. I would say, “It's locked inside the house!” They would become very suspicious that I even lived in the house, since I was obviously locked outside of it, and I had a human skull. Then they would either a) unlock my house so I could find my ID or b) arrest me because I found a human skull in the backyard of a house I had no keys for. Either way, I was a winner.
• That the aforementioned snack was a sandwich