I got a fly up my skirt this morning.

You might wonder how a person can be so talented. Well, I went to college. That helps.

See, there was a fly in my kitchen. It was one of those flies that is basically the equivalent of farm equipment on the highway: big, slow moving, and difficult to steer. These flies bother me more than normal houseflies. It seems like they have something sinister and other-worldly going on. Plus, this one kept coming into my personal space.

Since I didn't have a fly swatter, I grabbed a dish towel and hit the fly with it in mid-air. Now, because this was a farm-equipment fly, it didn't get out of the way in time. But because it was in mid-air, I didn't kill it. Rather, I managed to push it under my skirt.

I wasn't sure that was what I did at first. I stood there for a moment. And then I heard it, from near the area of my upper thigh, which I have never known previously to make noise on its own accord: bzzz.

What followed was a frantic 60 seconds of running back and forth in my living room fiddling with my skirt zipper, because it obviously made more sense to run back and forth while trying to remove clothing instead of just standing in one place to do it. The zipper on this particular skirt also sticks, so I ended up getting it half-way down and using brute force to get it off the rest of the way. In the end, however, man succeeded over nature once again, and I managed to remove my skirt without being...uh...further terrorized by the fly. Or accidently smushing it between my legs. Ew.

I don't care much about baseball. It's like a cucumber to me: it's not bad, sure, but I don't know if I want to spend my money on it at the sports supermarket. In my fleeting contact with the sport, nothing has left me particularly excited. I took in a couple of minor league Portland Sea Dogs games in middle school, for example, but the only thing I really liked was when they played the Imperial March from Star Wars for a meeting on the mound. Playing the sport (or its close approximation) didn't do much for me either: I stumbled my way through a full season of softball, and the only thing I ever really got down was the bunt.

I bring this up because tomorrow afternoon my coworkers and I are being treated to a Phillies game and "up to $7.00 of all beef hot dog" from the concession stand or something like that. One of my coworkers has been prepping me for the experience by telling me things I can say to act like I know about baseball/the Phillies. Suggestions include "No pitching," "I hope they don’t make it to their 10,000th losing game," and "Insert player name here while throwing arms in the air." I, however, very much prefer to pretend I know what I am talking about by making up sheer lies. So, without further ado, here is Meg's Guide to Baseball and the Philadelphia Phillies:

• The Phillies used to be named the Fillies after the wild, bloodthirty horses that terrorized Philadelphia until the early 1900's. The day the last horrible horse was killed, the mayor changed the name to be spelled with "Ph" so the city could heal. Horse bones still wash up on the shore of the Delaware River to this day.
• Until 1908, there were actually four strikes before a player was out. This was changed to three strikes so that song "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" would sound better.
• Half of the current Phillies players did not call their mothers on Mother's Day.
• Michael Eisner has a wooden elbow. Also, he plays baseball.
• Jimmy Hoffa is not buried on any baseball field. He's actually playing shortstop for the Washington Nationals under the name "Vincente Fitzgerald," but nobody ever looks closely enough at the Nationals to notice or care.
• The first baseball was an apple. The first baseball bat was a piece of fence whitewashed by Tom Sawyer. The first baseball player was Mark Twain, and his opponent was Samuel Clemens.
• The Phillies have no defense because they lost it all during a wild night in Atlantic City.

Selling things at the Art Star Craft Bazaar didn't go all too well for me, unfortunately. My table was one of 18 tucked back in this weird, fenced-in parking lot area, and I don't think a lot of people knew we were there. Either that or they were afraid of venturing too near to the crafters so fearsome that they had to be fenced away from everyone else. Look, I know: embroidery is threatening.

Anyway, even though selling didn't go well for me, buying certainly did. Often at these events I'll see the same stuff over and over ("Oh, another t-shirt with an elk, curly lines, and a silhouette of headphones. Neat."), but I was really impressed with the variety of work at the Bazaar. So you can be impressed too, here's what I got:

1) Yarn Remnant by Woolerina
A good idea from Woolerina: selling scraps of handmade yarn for small amounts of money. This will be a mail-gift to a knitting friend.

2) Microwave Guy T-Shirt by Family Dinner For One
I am jaded by most t-shirts (see elk and headphones, above). This shirt has a picture of a man looking in a microwave with a "no" sign over it. Is he going to go sterile? Are his teeth going to fall out? I don’t know, but I am wildly in love with this shirt.

3) Bird Block by DeadBird
Cat Campbell makes amazing and often hilarious mixed-media work of animals. I would cover my walls with it.

4) Book on Wool by Betsy Ross Patterns
My friend Aimee makes easy-to-follow sewing patterns and related products, including a super-cute series of books on different fabrics. There’s real wool inside!

5) Chair Sticky Notes Set by Good on Paper
Four different sets of sticky notes with drawings of furniture on them, when individually wrapped, make for four cute little gifts. If you are a friend who is reading this and you get one, act surprised.

6) Crazy Sewn Shirt by Laura Alexander
Laura and I traded shirts. That was great. Does anybody else who makes cool shirts want to trade? I don’t know if you can tell, but the circles on this shirt are made of sewn-on mesh. Pretty neat.

7) Flower Choker by The Candy Thief
I am on a quest to find bigger and bigger necklaces. One day I will find a necklace that covers my entire body (and yes, it will be a necklace, not a body stocking or such nonsense). The Candy Thief makes fantastic, large flower chokers. Swoon.

This Saturday and Sunday, the Art Star Craft Bazaar is overtaking Liberties Walk (1030 N. 2nd St.) in Philadelphia. You should come! There will be about 100 artists and craftspeople hocking their wares (myself included), various workshops, and on Saturday some rock music will be starting around 4:30. The hours for the bazaar are 11-7 on Saturday and 11-5 on Sunday. For more information on the workshops and artists, check out the Craft Bazaar's webpage.