Featuring the grossness of the drinkable bacteria byproduct known as kombucha, a tasting of Zima's demon spawn, the phrase "timz is hard, thighs iz cheap," and much more! Take a look.

I've been dropping hints about a big project on this blog, and here it is: Table Matters. We launched yesterday. I'm absolutely thrilled.

From our About page:

Table Matters is an online publication about the intersection of food, drink, and culture from people who dream about lunch during breakfast, dinner during lunch, cocktails during work, dessert during dinner, and breakfast before bedtime. We recognize that food is more than just what we put in our mouths — it's a political statement, a commodity, a status symbol, a declaration of love. It's entertainment, seduction, fantasy. We realize that food is becoming more politicized, more precious, and more divisive than ever. But too many foodies have forgotten that food and drink can (and should) be fun. This is why we get excited when we hear food and drink discussed in news and pop culture. And it's why we celebrate eating an adventurous, gourmet eight-course meal as much as sharing grilled cheese sandwiches with friends.

The site looks a lot more amazing than a screenshot can do justice. Our designer and photographers did a really fantastic job, and we have a lot of wonderful people (and me) writing about everything from terrible Halloween candy to classic cocktails to the awesomeness of fake meat and much, much more. I do hope you'll take a look.

The Fast Food News blog provides news updates and commentary on the fast-food world, and I'm pretty in love with all its bloggy glory. I find it alternately depressing and mind-blowingly awesome to be reminded that, for example, a new joint decides to fry macaroni and cheese almost one a week, or that Hardee's thinks it's good marketing to create an interactive website where hungry guys can hang out with a virtual roommate. Look: read the blog. Like so many things in our world, fast food isn't just disgusting when you look closely at it; it's also very, very weird.

[Image from Flickr user silverlinedwinnebago, by way of Creative Commons.]

I know, I know; I've been bad at updating this blog recently. But I have an excuse: I've been jet-setting. Thanks to my patchwork employment and rugged good looks, I've been to Chicago, Minneapolis, the beach, and New Orleans this summer. Regular posting will commence shortly. For now, here are photos from some of those places, as well as a few from closer to home:

Here's a tip: if you're going to the slots casino in Chester, PA, look up public transportation directions online. Otherwise you might end up getting off at a train station only to discover that you need to walk down the five-inch shoulder of a road appropriately named Industrial Highway where you can see pretty bridges and pray that you don't fall into oncoming traffic. Actually, here's a solution: never go to the slots casino in Chester.

Thankfully, the Broad Street Line Balloon Monster had just eaten a child, and it did not attack me for taking this picture.

Chicago, 3 a.m. This is what happens when you decide not to get a hotel room for the night because your flight is at 6 a.m. We also stayed in a bar until last call and did crosswords in a 24-hour Dunkin' Donuts where Rob was served some of the worst coffee of his life.

It has been a summer of good food. Artichokes at Ansill in Philadelphia.

Filming a sketch and/or auditioning to be an MTV VJ. Oh wait, nevermind. MTV doesn't show music anymore. Phew!

When we visited the Mall of America just outside Minneapolis, the New Kids on the Block played a show. Celebrating a boy band and extreme shopping in one place felt disturbingly patriotic.

Absinthe tasting at the new absinthe museum in New Orleans. JJ Sutherland was interviewing people while I was there. I like the absinthe device in this picture, but I can't get over the fact that it was impossible to photograph without also getting copious crotch. Now maybe you can't get over it either.

Performing at Snubfest in Chicago. I had just shoved a piece of chocolate cake in my mouth. Photo by Bruce DeViller.

Mojo costume at Wizard World Chicago. This very rightly won the costume contest.

Oh, I look calm, but I know the truth: the giant face on the outside of the Guthrie in Minneapolis will kill us all.

Have you been wondering what it's like to follow the day-by-day ripening of bananas...virtually? Wonder no longer! For one week only, I present: The Banana Report.

As you may know, I find the G.O.A.T. products to be a hilarious and chilling glimpse of our future. During my lunchtime walk a few days ago, I ran into a girl handing out some G.O.A.T. Rumble, which I hadn't tried yet. We had the following conversation:

Me: Is that some of that ridiculous G.O.A.T. stuff?
Girl: Yeah, would you like some?
Me: Yeah! I find that stuff hilarious!
Girl: That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me today.

The boxing-themed wrapper noted that the "Fruit Fight Rumble" is part of the last round of eating, round six, the round when you "treat yourself." Now, I may not know a lot about the sport of boxing, but I thought that the last round was when your opponent beats all of the muscle mass out of your face and you wake up thinking your name is Madeleine L’Engle. As if this discrepancy wasn’t warning enough about the terror that lied inside the wrapper, when I held the product it was apparent that the food was a small, phallic rod. Mmm, thanks G.O.A.T. That’s just what I want to put in my mouth.

Upon opening the package, I could smell the Rumble immediately. It was that sick smell of Hawaiian Punch, the general fruit aroma that is not traceable to any actual fruit. The texture wasn’t any help either. Rather, when I was chewing it felt like someone had poured that Hawaiian Punch in a bowl of Rice Cripsies and let it congeal for a month, then served it to me in rod form. I imagine that if I just finished boxing and someone suggested I enjoy a soothing Fruit Fight Rumble as a treat, I’d spit a tooth in his face. Just sayin’.

My home city of Philadelphia has followed New York's lead and passed a bill to ban trans fats in restaurants. This is not good. Our government should not be spending its time passing bills protecting us from ourselves. It's that simple. Yeah, there is a huge weight problem in our country. But if we are to be trusted as adult citizens, we need to be trusted to proactively take care of our own health. If the city is worried about our poor eating habits, they need to focus on nutrition education and improving our access to good foods. Simply cutting people off from a certain food, however bad it is for us, is not the right way to improve our health.

I've also heard some people referring to the smoking ban like it's the same thing as the trans fat ban –- designed to protect people from themselves. I disagree. The smoking ban is more about protecting non-smokers from second-hand smoke. If you eat a cheesesteak next to me, I'm not going to accidentally inhale a glob of cheese whiz. If you smoke next to me, yeah, that's going in my lungs.

Still, I do think smokers should be allowed to smoke somewhere. I'm not saying that I think people should smoke –- it's incredibly unhealthy, and you're an idiot if you think otherwise. But as people, we own our own bodies. We should be allowed to do whatever we want with them as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. If I want to eat french fries, if I want to smoke, whatever –- I should to be allowed to do it. This sack of skin and bones is mine.

There are thousands of things that the government should be doing to help and protect its people. Taking away their fats is not one of them.

For anyone who doubts that we are moving to a future where our food comes in bland-tasting, vitamin-packed pellets, I present G.O.A.T. That's right, G.O.A.T. Like the animal. Like,

I received a free sample of G.O.A.T. at work today, and the bag promised a "vitamin powered energy crunch" coupled with a "Slammin' Salsa" flavor. What it actually delivered was some sort of peanut device masked within crispy, salty, and mysteriously multi-colored shells. The pamphlet I received with my G.O.A.T. pellets noted that they have a "homemade look and feel." I can only assume by the silver package and the fact that G.O.A.T. Foods resemble nothing ever made in a home or commercial kitchen that G.O.A.T. pellets have actually been sent back in time FROM THE FUTURE to warn us of IMPENDING DANGER. Either that or the creators of G.O.A.T. Food grew up in a Combos factory, and their mothers only fed them various flavors of pellet-shaped Combos (including the highly experimental "juice and egg").

In truth, G.O.A.T. here stands for "Greatest of All Time," because the G.O.A.T. Food & Beverage Company is themed around MUHAMMAD ALI (who is, according to their website, the most recognized man in the world). Every type of pellet-product has a different boxing name, and the bags are glove-shaped. These "completely new, truly authentic, ownable" foods (yes, ownable, unlike all those other foods that, after you purchased them, are still apparently not owned by you) "contain all of the essential nutrition that young adults need to maintain a healthy, active lifestyle", i.e.: they provide the strength to punch someone in the fucking face.

Throw away your spinach, friends, and your beans. Toss out your buckwheat bread and your kale, your lean fish and your stalwart grapefruit. Now, get ready for the food of the future, the food that lets you "indulge without guilt or regret." Get ready to consume bars that provide "one full serving of fruit" and "as much calcium as a glass of milk" and pellets that give you a "delicate yet balanced blend of protein and carbohydrates." Prepare yourself for these "breakthrough identity" snack foods that were first rolled out to Google employees, who these days are equivalent to members of the space program.

Friends, dear friends, get ready to eat G.O.A.T.

…was a little disappointing. I didn’t really like the yam part of it. Here’s the recipe:

Ingredients:

• 2 yams
• (1) 16 oz. can black beans
• 1 tsp lime juice
• 1 avocado
• 2 tomatoes
• 8 oz. black olives
• 3 tbsp cilantro
• 1/2 hot green chili

The Yam Experience: Peel and chop the yams; heat them in water until soft. Mash with the lime juice. Drain and heat the black beans. Mix yam and black beans together.

The Southwestern: Chop the avocado, tomatoes, olives, cilantro, and green chili, and mix together. Place on top of Yam Experience.

Like I said, there was something with the Yam Experience that didn’t sit right with me. Maybe it was the fact that it was an "experience" instead of a "meal." Today, however, I mixed a half-cup of quinoa with half-a-can of black beans and put the Southwestern on top. And hoo-boy, that was some comfort food.

At 10:50 a.m. this morning, on the first full day of detox diet, I had already craved the following items: 1) shortbread 2) fried "poppin'" shrimp (I should explain for people who read "no meat" in the previous post that I am pescatarian, not vegetarian, although what I eat is vegetarian most of the time).

Last night's dinner (reheated into today's lunch) turned out all right. I will call it Easy Chickpeas with Indian Spices: A Dinner in Fiveish Ingredients. Please note that oil and spice measurements are approximate. I almost never measure either of them, but just pour in whatever looks right.

• 2 tsp olive oil
• Small onion
• 3 tomatoes
• 16 oz. can of chickpeas
• 1/2 to 3 tsp. of various Indian spices (I used garam masala, tumeric, and coriander)

Chop the onion and fry it in the oil. After it clears and starts to brown a bit, add the chickpeas (drained) and the spices, to taste. Heat the chickpeas through (about five minutes) and add the tomatoes. Cook about five more minutes. Serve over batsmati rice.

About a month ago I decided I would begin 2007 with a week of detox diet. It's not a New Year's resolution or anything like that; more a recognition that between the winter holidays and an upcoming trip to Vegas, I would probably be hitting my body pretty hard. Plus I think it's a pretty good idea to clean up shop every now and then and treat myself like a lady. A lady who eats a lot of broccoli.

So I conceived of a one-week diet that based off of a detox my father did a number of years ago when he had an intestinal yeast infection. The main differences between what he did and what I'm planning to do is that he ate meat and I will not, and he couldn't eat fruit and I will. Oh, and I think he did his for about a month, not a week. As of writing this, I haven't even eaten my first detox meal and I'm already jonesing for a hunk of cheese, so I think it's best to start small.

Anyway, this is what I can eat:

• Good grains: Rice, quinoa, etc.
• Fruit
• Vegetables
• Beans and Nuts
• Beverages: Green or herbal tea, water
• Olive oil
• Herbs and spices

And this is what I am specifically trying to avoid:

• Wheat flour
• Sugar
• Alcohol
• Dairy
• Processed anything

I also decided that, in the adventurous spirit of Lewis and Clark, I am not going to use any recipes (they did that, right?). Rather, I have a bunch of approved ingredients in my kitchen and bright ideas in my head (The Southwest Yam Experience, anyone?). In conclusion: I will probably be posting a lot of recipes this week.